The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Randomize
