i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Randomize
