you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
