come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
