On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Randomize
