did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
