Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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