dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
