didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
