I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
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