so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
