If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
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