My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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