evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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