Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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