god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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