I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
