there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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