that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
