One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
