I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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