my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
