just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
These tits shall not be calmed
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
