I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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