Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
