once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
