mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
please come you make the beer taste better
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
