Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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