If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
