She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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