awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
