If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
