the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
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