I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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