i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
