when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
