Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
