I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
