I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
