I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
