My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
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