You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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