good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
