He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
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