carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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