Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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