I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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