I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You were trust falling into bushes
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
