I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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