my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
